Monday, June 3, 2013

06-02-13 stream of consciousness

I am interwoven in a web that won't let me disappear
Won't let me self-isolate
Won't let me slip into abysses
Won't let me succumb to the old stories
Of scarcity, seclusion, aloneness.

So long I have been a single lone star
Swimming small in an ocean vast
Singing my own song, a lonely little tune
A single voice a capella
Crisp and clear and strong and longing
Now I am joined by other spirits so numerous
A whole orchestra so luminous
Filling--no, flooding--the ocean with love
Loving harmonies and dissonances
Full and joyful and fucking weird
Calling attention to the spaces between us
That hold us and bind us
That separate us --
Only so we know Who We Are
Selves defined
In connectance with each other

The light we shine is unstoppable
The light we shine on each other, for each other
Magnifies each other
Magnifies our brilliances
The light we shine is so blinding
The light we shine is so explosively multiplicitous 
The light we shine excites the Earth
The Earth brilles and shivers
The magnitude of the light we shine is rolling thunder
The magnitude of our brilliance multiplies manifold magnanimously
The light we shine on new ways of being!
The future looks impossibly bright.

The urge to leave is so strong in me
In my ancestry
It's been generations of training to prepare
In case of emergency
In case of battle and combative egos
Soldiers at your front door
Pointing guns at your brothers and sisters' heads
My dad, a little boy, watched them die.
In case of disease and body withering
Frailty into nothing
No more breath to argue
One last breath to defend herself
My dad and I, an old man and a young girl, watched her die.
In case of loss loss loss.  Loss.  Loss loss.
Loss is inevitable.
LOSS IS GUARANTEED.
Loss lives strong in our experience.
So we prepare.
So we demarcate our boundaries.
So we strengthen borders.
So we don't hurt so much.

Despite knowing
Hurting means loving.

It is possible to lose without getting hurt--
IF you are willing, too, to give up people.
Without people, there is nothing to lose.
Without people, you are invincible, forever.
Without people, you are unstoppable.
All the way to the fence around your house.
Your house for one.
Back door open.
So you can run from yourself, too.
What kind of ecosystem is that?
Unsustainable.

I feel bad for my dad.

In the other room, my dad says
"Open your heart"
Open, open
Let it open
Let it breathe
Let breath in

Everything will be okay.

It's not a problem.

Family.

The rapidity with which my cells are re-organizing
Overtakes me.

Everything about me screams power.


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