Friday, June 21, 2013

Considering possibilities for intimate love

Consider the possibility that falling in love doesn't have to look like what it looks like in the movies.

Consider the possibility that true love is far more abundant than the movies will have you believe.

Consider the possibility that a person can be genuinely passionately whole-heartedly in love with two or more people at once.

That love for someone else doesn't detract from love for you. 

(Perhaps it amplifies it.) 

Consider the possibility that falling in love doesn't have a destination.  Two people can be in love and it is not goal-oriented.  It is just the pleasure and mystery of the moment.  
Or the pain and confusion. 

Consider the possibility that I can be having an experience of scarcity, entitlement, jealousy, but Nothing's Actually Wrong.

Over and over again I let go of old concepts of intimate love.
Over and over again I shake with fright.
Over and over again I find my ground.
Over and over again I cry with gratitude.

Everything's okay.  It's okay.  Those are just possibilities.  You don't have to believe them.  You don't have to subscribe to them.  Just consider them.  Try them on.  If you hate them, you can let them go, too.

Monday, June 17, 2013

Trying Stuff

A view from my bedroom window.

Intimate Relating

My relating with You has catalyzed major rearranging in myself around intimacy, love, beauty, value, and just about everything else. I am deeply grateful for this catalyzing. And I also have felt shame and embarrassment that so much has unfolded for me around You. Yet in the process I became so clear - viscerally clear - that it wasn’t about you. AT ALL!
I experienced hope, attachment, and fear in my relating with You...which led to a profound and vivid connection to myself as Love. My sense of desire, fear, and hope around You ultimately led me back to a profound sense of love in myself - the infinite kind that connects me to all beings. It also stimulated in me an enlivened connection to my own sensuality. I distinguished that, in historically relating intimately with people and then becoming attached (or repulsed), what I am ultimately attached to is a chance to express myself intimately. Historically, I have believed this chance is scarce.
Upon realizing that, I sailed into a current of discovering a way in which I can relate to the world where I do express myself intimately, abundantly. Including in non-sexual situations. I realized there was the possibility of being much more open-hearted with the wider world in ways which I have historically only been with lovers. I had the experience of the possibility of feeling “in love” with anybody, at any time when I chose to drop into the moment. It was easy. I realized that I am in control of choosing to open myself up and fall into someone else’s presence. I can do that at anytime, with anybody.
I have also distinguished that intimate relating feels like a way for me to get to know somebody...the visceral, word-sparse or wordless experience of connecting with someone physically feels natural to me and can make more sense than talking, particularly talking without touch. In a society where non-touch talking-relating is more enforced and supported than touch relating, it makes sense that I am distinguishing this as my own preference, as I return to being a physically-relating being. This preference of mine to explore people that way has been a new awareness for me and helped to clarify why I like to relate intimately.
My new expression in the world has been fulfilling for me. I am opening up to the possibility that many people can help take care of me; that I can walk as my sensitive tender lover-self in the world; that it is a gift to the world; that intimate relating is not taboo; that I can express my needs, including needs for intimate relating; that I am a powerful being in the world of intimate relating. These are all exciting and new ideas and are changing the way I am relating to people. I can feel my trust deepen and expand that other people are allies, and can help me meet my needs. And that makes my needs more worth expressing. And that allows people to connect with me more.
It is new learning for me to realized that I create the conditions for intimate relating, sexual or non. Not someone else.

And that we are ongoingly co-creators in any moment. This replaces the power-over-under humanity 2 dynamic which I have historically perceived and generated in relationship.

Monday, June 3, 2013

06-02-13 stream of consciousness

I am interwoven in a web that won't let me disappear
Won't let me self-isolate
Won't let me slip into abysses
Won't let me succumb to the old stories
Of scarcity, seclusion, aloneness.

So long I have been a single lone star
Swimming small in an ocean vast
Singing my own song, a lonely little tune
A single voice a capella
Crisp and clear and strong and longing
Now I am joined by other spirits so numerous
A whole orchestra so luminous
Filling--no, flooding--the ocean with love
Loving harmonies and dissonances
Full and joyful and fucking weird
Calling attention to the spaces between us
That hold us and bind us
That separate us --
Only so we know Who We Are
Selves defined
In connectance with each other

The light we shine is unstoppable
The light we shine on each other, for each other
Magnifies each other
Magnifies our brilliances
The light we shine is so blinding
The light we shine is so explosively multiplicitous 
The light we shine excites the Earth
The Earth brilles and shivers
The magnitude of the light we shine is rolling thunder
The magnitude of our brilliance multiplies manifold magnanimously
The light we shine on new ways of being!
The future looks impossibly bright.

The urge to leave is so strong in me
In my ancestry
It's been generations of training to prepare
In case of emergency
In case of battle and combative egos
Soldiers at your front door
Pointing guns at your brothers and sisters' heads
My dad, a little boy, watched them die.
In case of disease and body withering
Frailty into nothing
No more breath to argue
One last breath to defend herself
My dad and I, an old man and a young girl, watched her die.
In case of loss loss loss.  Loss.  Loss loss.
Loss is inevitable.
Loss lives strong in our experience.
So we prepare.
So we demarcate our boundaries.
So we strengthen borders.
So we don't hurt so much.

Despite knowing
Hurting means loving.

It is possible to lose without getting hurt--
IF you are willing, too, to give up people.
Without people, there is nothing to lose.
Without people, you are invincible, forever.
Without people, you are unstoppable.
All the way to the fence around your house.
Your house for one.
Back door open.
So you can run from yourself, too.
What kind of ecosystem is that?

I feel bad for my dad.

In the other room, my dad says
"Open your heart"
Open, open
Let it open
Let it breathe
Let breath in

Everything will be okay.

It's not a problem.


The rapidity with which my cells are re-organizing
Overtakes me.

Everything about me screams power.

Saturday, June 1, 2013

When I Remember My Joy

Drumhand say, in the words of a folk song from southern Ghana, "When I remember my joy, something happen to my system."